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The Future, it's not for everyone...


I have broken my magic 8-ball and now I feel cheated. It turns out that it was nothing more than a crappy plastic die with lame answers printed on it floating in some blue water. Why do people sell crap like this? -- UNLED ED in TN

Blaspheme! The 8-ball is the oracle of modern times and it has watched over us and helped the truly gifted to make the important decisions that have shaped the modern world. That blue water as you call it is actually the ectoplasmic resonance of Bes, an Egyptian dwarf god believed to guard against evil spirits and misfortune. You didn't get any of it on you, did you? Bes can be a bit odiferous at times. We recommend that you run, don't walk, to the nearest store and replace the broken 8-ball, as this is the only way to regain Bes' favor. Take care of your 8-ball and consult it often.

Is this like 8ball? Can you read palms or predict the future? If so what does the future hold for us all?  -- CURIOUS in TN

Wow, so many questions, no wonder your name is Curious. Well, first, is this like 8-ball? No, 8-ball is nothing more than a crappy plastic die with lame answers printed on it floating in some blue water designed to keep the feeble minded busy for hours so they will leave the rest of us alone. | Can you read palms? Well, we would rather not. We can only imagine what you have been doing with those hands. | Predict the future? We knew you were going to ask that and the answer is yes but we try to avoid it. We could tell you that in the future every leisure activity enjoyed today will be replaced by a virtual reality version of it. This includes sex, which will be provided by holographic prostitutes and will be able to be adjusted to meet any conceivable fetish. …Yes, even that. But then you might decide that you don't like holograms and go off and pass some law banning hologram research thus preventing Nick from ever getting laid. So yeah, we could tell you the future, but then Nick would have to kill you.

Oh, come on, just a hint or two? -- PERSISTENT in TN

Yes, ok, fine but don't blame us if this knowledge of the future fucks up your day...

In the future:

  • Aunt Ginny will make her famous brownies for the bake sale
  • The Vatican will admit that pretty much everything was a hoax.
  • Everyone currently alive will die.
  • Oprah Winfrey gains all the weight back.
  • Randy will finally grow up and will change his nick to Number_6.
  • Our sun will go dim.

Aren't there better ways to keep the feeble-minded busy?

Yes Just CLICK HERE to keep the feebs busy for hours.

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