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Hey, taco breath...

3/31/06

 



We live in an apartment complex and until recently have had no neighbors. Just last week a group of Mexicans moved in. We're not sure how many are in there but we're sure that six cars with Texas license plates is way too many for a two bedroom apartment. Anyway, we wanted to be neighborly and wanted to say 'howdy' but they don't seem to speak a word of English. Can you tell us how to let them know that we'd like to be friendly? Thanks.

 



Sure, this is an easy one. First, you just need to learn a few words of their language to make them feel comfortable and soon you'll be the center of attention. Keep a smile on your face and start with 'Ola bendejo', pronounced oh la, ben day hoe, it means 'Hello friend'. Then try 'Márchesele el bastardo gordo mejicano, usted huele como el queso' which is Mexican for 'Wassup?!?!' You'll be making friends in no time.


 



My kid can't keep a bandage on him for more than ten minutes. Do you know where I can find the bandages that we had when we were kids? You know, the ones that would take off a layer of skin? It was a bandage you could wear for days. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 



Oh, Yeah... We remember those bandages... Removed improperly and you'd wind up needing more bandages. Sadly, they don't make them like they used to but our research department has come up with this: Duct tape and a little gauze. The little ones try to remove it and realize that it hurts more than what got them bandaged in the first place. Done right, duct tape can be a fashion statement as well.


 



My wife is always grabbing the remote control and changing the channel on the TV right when what I am watching gets interesting. Ya know, like right when something is about to explode or get bloody? When I look at her to ask what the hell she is thinking she just says wait a second and then changes the channel back after all the good stuff is done. What can I do to break her of this habit? I'm desperate.

 



Well, you could try hiding the batteries for the remote but we think that your wife needs a good old fashioned smack in the head. Remember when you were a kid growing up and you did something stupid? You got a smack in the head. Of course if your scared of your wife, you could pay someone to smack her or you could just try to talk to her. This of course could lead to your very own smack in the head. You might just want to try hiding the remote.


 



My name is Ricardo and recently my friend Jose and his mamma and papa and his uncle and these two guys on the construction crew that we work on and another friend of Jose's moved into an apartment in a seemingly nice area of town. We have lots of friends over and play loud tejano music in our truck in the parking lot and pretty much keep to ourselves. Until recently our neighbor has been pleasant and quiet but this last week he started saying rude things in really bad Spanish like calling us stupid or fat Mexican bastards whenever we go outside. Once he said we smell like cheese. Also, he always has this crazy smile on his face when he is insulting us. What should we do?

 



We here at #FunAdultChat, while never condoning violence, think you should kick his ass. Wipe that freaky smile right off his face. Next time he insults you, smile and wave him over. Then you and your friends can knock him on his Anglo Ass and teach him a lesson.


 



I read your recent Q&A about the guy who's wife keeps touching the remote at just the wrong time and was wondering if you could give me his email address. I had a similar problem and found that the use of my wife's own stun gun keeps her away from the remote. I would love to tell him how it has worked for us. Or maybe you could just forward this to him. Thanks

 



Sorry but we get so much mail here at Ask dufus that we can not relay your message nor for privacy protection reasons can we divulge his address. We congratulate you though for your inventiveness in your variation of our favorite, the smack in the head. Keep up the good work. Woof!


 



I 'm the guy that wrote you before, I live next to a bunch of Mexican construction workers. Remember? Last night I walked outside and tried to speak to them again. I thought I was making progress when they smiled and invited me over. I reached out to take the beer that I though one of the was offering me and then they proceeded to kick my ass all around the parking lot. My nurse in the ER spoke Spanish and just shook her head and walked away when I told her the story. Maybe I am trying too hard?



Remember you? Of course we do. And in our world, there is no such thing as trying too hard. But remember, pronunciation is everything. When you get home from the hospital, try it again. But this time look the guys right in the eye, smile and speak slower just in case they misunderstood you the first time. Good luck.


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Anyone stupid enough to take any of this advice as anything other than humor should seek professional help. Any questions emailed to Ask dufus become property of #FunAdultChat. The writers of Ask dufus reserve the right to edit or alter any questions as they see fit. All questions are placed on the web anonymously unless you request to be identified by name, location or email address in your question.